My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
you made out with another girl for some wings
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Randomize
