So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
