I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
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