his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
you had me at cake vodka
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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