I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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