so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
