I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Couch. On fire.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
