This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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