can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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