I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
