i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
