I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
