the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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