it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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