She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
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