Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
