you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
