if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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