pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
