My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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