i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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