went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Randomize
