i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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