Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Idk if I want to put a bra on
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
