you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
