You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
