The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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