I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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