I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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