today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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