You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Randomize
