What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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