I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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