I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
