Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
