Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
