I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
