New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
