You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
