I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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