you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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