Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
