You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
