We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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