my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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