i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
