just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
