Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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