Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Randomize
