I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
