Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
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