Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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