"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
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