Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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