i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
